First Podium Finish
By Brian White
The Renton Rotarians don’t just hand out trophies willy-nilly. A duck’s got to earn glory.
For 35 years, organizers of the Renton River Days Rubber Ducky Derby have awarded the ribbon to the fastest waddler to navigate the Cedar River from drop-in at Hagan’s Barn to the finish line at Lake Washington. For 5 of those, I have bobbled, capsized and squeaky-laughed my way to the end only to be out-floated by Suzanne, the only ostentatiously red rubber duck in a river full of yellow competitors.
There’s some serious rubberduckfuckery going on. It’s a special kind of bathtub bitch that makes friends with a Portuguese Water Dog. Every year, Bone-ifacio (millenial dog parents, amirite?) wades in at the riverbend where there are no race judges. He scoops Suzanne up and runs her 300 yards down river, slobbering her back into the current with a commanding lead.
This year is different. You see, the ‘Derby’ takes place during the annual salmon run. So while we racers bob downstream, hundreds of horny Coho swim upstream to the spawning grounds. I spent a year training my airhole to squeak the “Come Hither” call of a pregnant Salmon.
I reach that riverbend with Suzanne behind me. Her mutt is waiting in the shoals. As I pass him, I clench and “whistle in church with my butthole”, as Momma says, and kickstart behind me a frenzied red fish, red rubberduck orgy so big it has its own Onlyfans account.
Who’s got a ribbon now, Suzanne.
Brian White is an everyday writer of boring stuff but loves to write short stories and has a working manuscript for his first novel. He lives in California with his wife, daughter, cat and a pair of mooching horses.
This one leans gleefully into chaos and absurdity — competitive pettiness elevated to epic proportions. The voice is outrageous and relentless, and the escalation from small grievance to aquatic apocalypse is handled with fearless commitment and a lot of nerve. It’s ridiculous, sharp, and knows exactly how far to push the joke.