Weather Report
By Rev
“...and as you can see here, tomorrow you’re looking at highs in the mid-60’s, cooling down to about 52 degrees. Later in the week may see some scattered showers, but it’s shaping up to be a gorgeous week in Baton Rouge.” The 7-foot-tall, fur-covered weatherman smiles brightly, showcasing his yellow fangs.
“Well, that sounds terrific, Mr. Monster!” says Dirk Boudreaux, local celebrity and one half of Channel 2’s famous husband/wife anchor team.
The Honey Island Swamp Monster forces a polite chuckle. “Perfect time to take your human kids to Frenchtown for an afternoon in the park, Dirk.”
“Good idea, Mr. Monster!” Tactlessly, both anchors giggle.
Olivia Boudreaux continues, “coming up next is sports with Noah Landry—”
“—and later: Ever wondered how suppositories are made? Two local men found out in an unusual way, so stick around!”
A voice calls from the dark: “And… we’re clear.” The two anchors’ smiles are replaced by gagging and gasping for fresh air. Olivia spritzes some Febreze.
A flurry ignites as makeup artists touch up the Boudreauxs, crew rush to change lenses, and the stage manager approaches the Honey Island Swamp Monster as he’s removing his lapel microphone. She is wearing nose plugs.
“How was that, Cassie? Better angles this time?” The monster puts on his glasses to check the notes.
“MUCH better.” She hands the clipboard to him. “So, erm, the GM was wondering—”
His face darkens. “I’ve told Bob already. It’s a NATURAL scent.”
“Of course, it’s just that the Boudreaux’s—”
He glares at Dirk, who winks at him. “I think if Dirk can look the other way while Olivia is fucking her assistant, he can smell the other way for twenty goddamn minutes.”
Cassie nods and leaves.
The Honey Island Swamp Monster shakes his head. “And they say I’M the monster.”
Rev is an English Teacher/Improv Comedian/Theater Nerd/DM-For-Hire/Aspiring Writer living in Southern Mormonville. He thinks about folklore way too much and even created a podcast about it. Friends usually call him “Rev” because he played a Reverend in a high school musical and apparently never moved on.